Transform and Fuck Up!
Hey man, have you ever opened a closet door, and found something hideous looking back at you. The Muppet Babies have, and they're from the eighties! Lots of stuff happened in the eighties, actually. Stuff like Mr. T, Nintendo, the cesarian section that caused D. Davis to be unleashed upon this earth like a hellbeast. But let's put down the nostalgia trip and realize the eighties sucked.
I never wanted to talk about the eigties. But before the collapse of the internet, some righteous feebs created a robot that would launch into corporations everywhere upon the exact moment of the E-Economy's failure. This robot was programmed with how many 'hits' that web 'sites' got for 'talking' 'about' 'the' 'eighties' And the robots plan worked. It wants us to hate things we used to love. It wants us to scream about our heritage, and finally break down, because we have no girlfriend. Wait, girlfriend rambling is next update. For now I talk about...
The goddamned Transformers! Oh yeah! Yes! That's beautiful! Transformers was the greatest show about transforming robots on the face of the planet. But then, you idiot-brained japanese wannabes decided, 'LET'S ANIME-IFY IT' So you brought about Robots In Disguise. I've still got a few fists aimed right at your genetalia for that, VISUAL KEI ARTIST ROCKER SLOBS. But you couldn't be happy simply raping Optimus Prime. No no, you had to go and piss on his violated body too. Thanks a lot kiddies. In Americas newfound effort to JAPAN-A-NIZE everything, we have TRANSFORMERS ARMADA. I hate you with a passion. The premise? Well, I did manage to transcribe Hasbro and Takara Corp.'s meeting when they decided to bring this festering dungheap about. It is as follows:
Hasbro Exec: "Hello, we need a new Transformers series. Kids are way into that whole 80s vibe, but they also like you and your HUGE SAUCER EYED cartoons."
Takara Exec: "Oh very good yes. We give you Transformers Armada, it is of the finest quality to sooth your soul. StarConvoy must fight to find Minicons, while Megatron wants very badly brainwash them into servitude for Decepticon army"
Hasbro Exec: "Minicons, what in the flaming blue hell are those?"
Takara Exec: "They are special transformer verymuch thank you. They give you power to fight evil or enslave world. You gotta catch 'em all. Okay? Your erotic pain device is in my soup."
Hasbro Exec: "Um. Did it test well in Japan?"
Takara Exec: "I cannot hear you, tentacle rape is how you say 'a foot' I must go now, we send you all episode, you take and pay, thank you. You ah numbah one. Luckyyyyyy"
And that's what happened! So now we've got three gay kids who start the World War between INSANELY GAY ROBOTS! WHOOOO! Oh yeah, they don't get much gayer than this. The animation is horrible, too. It's not even good JAPANMIATION OMG DO U LIKE BUBBLEGUM CRISIS? No, No, it's It's made in Flash 3! One of the scenes is Megatron walking! But wait! It's not even good walking, it's a stillshot of his torso and head, and it's motion tweened up, and then down, with a sound effect added! OH! YEAH! DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT! And when any of these robots retreat. It's a simple COMPUTER ANIMATED EFFECT TELEPORT! WE DO NOT HAVE THE SKILLS TO ANIMATE ROBOTS RUNNING OR VEHICLES FLYING AND ROLLING AWAY!!! YAYY YAYYY YAYY YAYY YAYY. It also features Speed Racer Esque Conversations. Check it.
Megatron:We must get. THE MINICONS
Optims Prime: Megatron, I'll never let you have the mini-cons
Three Gay Kids: Yeah! These Minicons are free.
Megatron:Starscream, get those Minicons!
Starscream: Sure thing, Megatron, but I think I'll need CYCLONUS AND DEMOLISHOR to Help!
Cyclonus and Demolishor: YEAH!
Optimus Prime: BUT WAIT! HOT SHOT AND RED ALERT WILL HELP ME!
Megatron: OH NO! HOT SHOT AND RED ALERT? WE ARE DOOMED! WE'LL COME BACK TO GET THE MINICONS, OPTIMUS PRIME!!! COME ALONG LEADER ONE!
Leader One: Beep beep beep beep beep. (Translation: Why the fuck am I named after a Go-Bot?)
Now, that's not to say all of this nostalgia trip would be bad. Cartoon Network also gave us HE-MAN! MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. And while there are some problems, HE-MAN is like watching Mr.T and Hannibal ~and~ Murdoch at the same time. But, since this is a humor column, I have to mock the bad. Oh and is there enough bad to mock. During the first half of the pilot movie, EVERYTHING WAS COVERED IN AN AMORPHOUS GREEN BLOB THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS AN AMORPHOUS GREEN BLOB WHERE SHADING SHOULD BE! It was terrible! It was fantastic! It made me laugh! It made me cry! But then I saw how rushed the animators were. MechNeck, or Springhead, or Guy with the Neck that launches from his shoulder to save him trouble when he attempts to peer into sororiety girl dorms, threw his cudgel up into the air, so that it spun. Boy did it ever spin. With a really annoying 'I AM SPINNING' Sound effect. Not only did it spin, but if you watched it.. it began to flicker in and out of existance. As if The animators (Working in Flash again, I assume) Deleted that part of the NEW SYMBOL MOVIE CLIP 'SPINNY CUDGEL' I can't fault them though, if I was a cudgel, I'd want to disappear from existence too. THE GREEN AMORPHOUS BLOB MIGHT EAT ME!!!!!!!!! OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Stupid anime smiley of the day: /O.O/ I am throwing my arms up. Useful Anime Smiley of the day: F.U You asian wannabes suck.)
This Article was inspired by the time D.Davis met Optimus Prime. They hung out, smoked a few cigars, ran slowly on the beach. He will never forget that one beautiful night at the end of summer. He'll miss you Optimus Prime....wherever you are.