Fat Bitch Penguin Gotta Eat

      In this, the heyday of modern dieting fads, like carbohydrates being evil monsters that wish to drag you under the surface of the moon and beat you before inserting spiked phalluses directly into your anal opening, it's nice to reflect on the easier days of our youth and turn our eyes upon what has made most of this generation so damn fat, the Nintendo Entertainment system. Perhaps that is what you would like to point the finger at, as the Verbnow commercials would want you to get up and run a mile or put your face into someone's fist for excercise, however we cannot blame the Japanese side of development for our fat asses, and why's that? Penguin Yume Mongatari, which translates from what I can see, into FAT BITCH PENGUIN GOTTA EAT.

      Yes, this penguin is a fat bitch. He's fatter than my fat brother's fatty fatness. He clugs along at a maxium of one mile per hour, sweating like a toilet seat and flapping his fat penguin arms, trying desperately to win the affection of a much thinner, and therefore hotter, penguin girl. This my friends is the eternal struggle of every fat man: "How the fuck do I get that skinny bitch to like me?"

      All hope is not lost for our fat bitch penguin though, during the course of the game he can jump up into the air and crash his fat ass stomach down upon a variety of enemies, some of them die and leave behind clocks, which increase the amount of time you have to complete a level. This is very important, if you've ever seen a fat kid run the mile. It's not impressive, they turn in scores of like thirteen minutes. I turned in a score of like thirteen minutes. Fat kids don't do things in a timely manner, they can't because they're fucking fat. They have big bitchtits, and their goddamned fat. Fucking fatties. Other times, and this is key to the whole game, the enemies drop diet drinks. This gives our fat bitch penguin a fighting chance, as if he drinks enough diet drinks, he stops being fat and starts kicking ass.

      When the transformation from fat bitch to skinny bitch happens, he no longer crashes down upon the enemies when the attack button is pressed. His mighty foot springs forth from under him, and he kicks the enemy in the face searching for more delicious SLIMFAST. Getting even more SLIMFAST Eventually brings him into the penultimate of penguin fitness, allowing him to launch a stream of vaguely japanese characters through the air. Not all of this skinniness is without its price though, the minute a donut or apple comes ANY FUCKING WHERE near your bitch penguin mouth you blossom back to the mountain of a man you once were. Beware apples, my friends. THEY WILL MAKE YOU FUCKING HUGE.

      In addtion to the ground levels, where the aforementioned happens, there are also shooter levels where you collect diet drinks and clocks still, continuing to make yourself not fat in the air. This makes your little pink plane fly much faster, and eventually not being fat makes you shoot missiles (???). It's all very scientific, but you still have to watch out for apples. In fact, if you're in the air, don't touch anything. This penguin will eat anything he hits, fattening himself up to the former glory he once was.

      Nothing in this game is sensitive to the needs of your fat bitch penguin. The bosses will throw candy and eggs at you, bugs will explode into a burst of apples. Penguin statues will shoot donuts at you, all to stop you from getting to your would-be girlfriend. She's no help herself, travelling through places like 'Cake World' 'Dessert Land' and 'Holy Jesus Shit that's a lot of Pork Barbeque Village'. She also doesn't like to be kept waiting. When time runs out, she calls you just to say 'Penta, you ran out of time....it's over'. And woe be to you if you finish the level and you're not thin enough, again she phones you to say 'Penta, you're too fucking fat, you fat bitch penguin, it's over.' Us big guys just can't catch a break.

      This article was written on a five dozen donut bender. D. Davis mashed his sausage like fingers against the keys while breaking huge fat clouds of fat wind. Christ he's fat. Look at the way his titties swing when he walks. You can't e-mail him. Fat guys don't deserve e-mail. Fuck him in the fat ass, the fucking fatty. God, I hate fat people. They're so damn fucking fat. Fuckers. Need to run their fat asses around the block a few times until they're not so damn fat anymore.