Centered Around Rednecks
Well it's summertime again, which means thoughts drift to lazy days beside the pool, or even floating upon the water on one of those delightful inflatable rafts. Those with better imaginative powers might give themselves a fruity flavored alchoholic drink with a little tiny umbrella poking out of a heavily salted glass rim. These days also bring fireflys, frisbee in the park, ice-cream, amusment rides, watermelon, barbeques, and all the other idyllic sort of paradise summer brings with it. But what else does the summer bring? Well, it certainly doesn't skimp on mosquitoes and that's a fact you can take to the bank, and put it on a deposit slip before walking it up to the teller and saying "Excuse me, Mrs. Teller, I have a deposit slip with mosquitoes on it, and I would like to depoist them into the bank to withdraw at a later date." So mosquitoes. Mosquitoes are not good, but they're not entirely bad either. I'm afraid this has all been a deception. This article is not about summer and it's greatness, nor even mosquitoes and how bad they bite. It is about one thing that is the penulitmate and most horrific evil that man has ever subjected himself to. It is NASCAR. And this is it's history. Be warned, what's contained within this text may shock and appall, but every word of it is the honest truth. The facts have been checked by a very reliable research team.
Starting at the beginning seems the most logical. The original NASCAR had nothing to do with racing. In truth, much like the pitched battle between the WWF and the WWF centruries ago, there was at one point upwards of one organization known by the abbreviation NASCAR. To know the true evil of our current NASCAR, the facts of the previous NASCARs must be examined. To this end, and restating the above THE ORIGINAL NASCAR HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH RACING. It was amore concerned with a different type of sport; squid wrangling. Yes, in 1846 the North Assosciation of Squid Catchers and wranglers was formed, by Abraham Lincoln in a drunken stupor. After a night of the Native American firewater, he and his sadly undocumented younger brother, Jeffidiah Lincoln, went into the Chesapeake bay and attempted to catch a few squid. The other drunks along the bay noticed this activity and quickly wanted in on the action. The tradition of people involved with NASCAR drinking obscene quantities of alchohol began here, but unfortunately the organization dissolved on April 15, 1865 when the founding member, good old honest Abe was shot in the back of the head by John Wilkes Boothe. Many feel that the reason for the assassination was disgruntlement as to how the Civil War turned out, but the truth of the matter is that John Wilkes Boothe was NASCAR's treasuerer and was caught by Abe embezzleing a large portion of the squid-catching fund. It was only a matter of time before charges were filed, and Boothe could not let that happen. Not in his America.
The second organization to bear the name NASCAR was founded by Henry Ford after the first model T rolled off the line and he remarked, "That is simply a NASTY CAR." His good acquantance, Carl Winslow, who invented Hip Hop, electricity and toastable waffles remarked upon this comment, "Hank my man. Let me break it down for you, you want to appeal to the younger generation? You can't be saying 'NASTY CAR' you gotta shorten it... to "That's a NASCAR", Henry Ford, quite enamored by the idea decided that until his death he would only produce ugly cars, and got other car manufacturers in on the deal. They became the foundation for NASCAR. For every car produced by GM, Chevrolet, Ford, and other such manufacturers in the olden times, they would gather at whatever house belonged to the head of whichever corporation produced the newest car, remark on how awful it looked, and then turn it left straight into a wall. This was the dawning of the day when NASCAR involved both cars and turning left.
Thus brings us to today's NASCAR. What happened to Henry Ford's illustrious secret society you ask? Well, since you're so damned nosy, let me tell you. It still exists, only they've turned it into a lucrative money making venue. Every Crash Dummy television commercial you've ever seen. Of the cars running into walls, at a 'testing center' is all a delicious lie. They just televise Henry Ford's dream, allowing you to drink your cognac and smoke your cigars while remarking on the general crap look of whatever car is being smashed. They eliminated the left turns into the wall, finding straightaways to be much more efficient and fun. The money of course comes from the car companies (who have not been in the organization since the current NASCAR rose into power via confusion and the fear of being seen as rednecks) buying a nice "crash-test safety" rating. What does this paragraph have to do with it's topic sentance? NOTHING. SHUT UP.
Thus brings us to today's NASCAR. Or the National Association of Stock CAR Racing. That's really something that sums it up beautifully. The people behind this so called sport have such small attention spans that they cut out halfway through making up the abbreviation. This same kind of attention span actually serves to enhance the sport just as goldfish are always amazed when they swim into their plastic castle. I recently went undercover at a NASCAR event, and recorded this conversation between two fans. In honor of the original NASCAR, they have been named Abraham and Jeffidiah.
Abraham: Woooooooooooo-weeeeeeeeee, Did y'all just see that red car there turn left?
Jeffidiah: Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-weee. I did, Abe. It was sweet.
Abraham: Woooo-wee, did y'all just see them titties?
Abraham: WOOOO-WEEEEE Did y'all just see that red car there turn left?
Jeffidiah: There's cars? WHOAH, DID Y'ALL JUST SEE THAT BLUE CAR THERE TURN LEFT?!
Abraham: GIT R DONE!
Git R Done indeed, Abraham. Git R Done indeed. I know most of you reading this saw Git R Done, and were immediately filled with rage as you should be. But that's just another thing you have to understand about today's NASCAR. Gitting R Done is the most important thing to them. All they really have in their lives is forty-eight cars driving at two hundred miles per hour. They cant' help but find Git R Done funny. Don't feel sorry for them, though, it is their fault. They chose their life through a series of alchohol related clubs. Some say that Marijuana is a gateway drug, or that by that logic nicotine and caffeine are gateway drugs. NASCAR is the ultimate culmination of a life of gateway activities, and studies have proven this time and time again.
So how does one fall into this perilous path of car-race watching and beer-swilling? Innocently enough, unfortunately. If you've ever accidentally seen a small snippet of Jeff Foxworthy material you are already dangerously close to becoming a NASCAR fan. Actually enjoying Jeff Foxworthy increases your chances of NASCAR addiction tenfold. Then you have to combine this with hereditary factors like bassfishing and deer hunting (commonly refferred to by NASCAR fans as 'Deeruntin' or Untin'deer). Concerned that you or someone you know may be a NASCAR FAN? You should be and to provide a service to the world and wind this rambling EBBC Down, here are some red flags, because it's an article about NASCAR, that you or a loved one may be enjoying NASCAR:
-A new found interest in country music. Not just innocous country music either. Country music that is truely the whole nine yards. Wives leaving, dogs losing their jobs, trucks becoming arabs, etc.
-Rentals or rental receipts depicting the previous renting of any of the following: Days of Thunder, Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again, The Best of Jeff Foxworthy, The Worst of Jeff Foxworhty, The Material of Jeff Foxworhty that Kinda Sucks but isn't Quite as Bad as His Worst Stuff but Also Not as Nonexistent as His Best Stuff, and of course, Bridget Jones' Diary.
-Increased beer consumption.
-The increased urge to utter or actual utterance of the phrase GIT R DONE, in a completely serious and meaningful manner.
-Wearing NASCAR Shirts.
-Wearing NASCAR Shirts as turbans.
-A decreased interest in Hilary Duff's panties.
-An increased interest in the science of things turning left.
-Actually watching NASCAR.... like.... on television.
If you or anyone you know is currently experiencing these symptoms, please send me an e-mail and I will counsel through this tough and trying time.
..No, there's no contradictory small text here this time. I agree with everything D. Davis said, because it's exaclty what I wanted to hear.