Princess Maker 2

      Have you ever wanted your own ten-year old girl? Well if you have then you're obviously some pervert who needs severe counselling, not to mention being locked away in a destructively oppressive mental institution. But also, you need to thank the Japanese culture for making one so accessible to you.

      What am I talking about? Of course I am referring quite simply to the game that has bored me for the past two hours. PRINCESS MAKER 2. For some reason God gets angry at a kingdom of people, calling for the devil, because he's a vengeful god, to strike down the kingdom and all the people who live in it. Unfortunately for the gamer, you rise out of nowhere and steal into the Prince of Darkness' camp, at night, and just go to town on him. After that he asks you a question you rightfully can't answer. The king and the queen are all like: "Yo, we be good. Promise." And then for no reason, a little girl falls to the ground in a meteor.

      That's when the hell starts for you. Out of nowhere, you get a ten year old girl to look after. For the sake of argument, lets say we name her, I dunno. Bitch. Bitch is a loveable ball of emotion and hatefulness that makes you want to kill people just for suggesting you play the game. Every month she becomes 'delinquent' and decides not to do any work, and not to go to school, and you have to scold her and take her on vacation. She's a horrible, horrible monster. She has a butler named something, because I really didn't care at this point, but the butler has wings, cat-ears, and yellow eyes. I'm thinking it's a succubus, sent with her to destroy all human kind, because the Prince of Darkness failed. You can send the butler out with Bitch whenever she's being bad, if you give her free time, and she will usually buy useless things that she already has. BITCH BOUGHT EIGHTY COTTON DRESSES! YAY, WAY TO GO BITCH! YOU HAVE SEVENTY TWO ALREADY.

      The point of the game is to try to not kill yourself long enough to find out which ending you get at the end, ranging from 'Bondage Queen' to 'I Married my Daddy' Obviously marking it as a japanese game. Perhaps the real challenge of it is saving up 5000 gold, so you can, finally, when she grows breasts, buy the Un-Dress dress. Allowing you to see the game for what it really is, a very, very sophomoric attempt at getting fanboys another naked girl to look at.

      The most haunting part about this though, is that if you put a blue helmet on the girl in question (Bitch, if you remember.) She looks exactly like Megaman. I grew up with Megaman, dammit. Megaman is not a girl. Megaman is not a princess. Megaman only has a girl's voice. He is a super-fighting robot.

      IF you see this game on the streets or on the internet, quickly turn away. Then dance in joy that you avoided it, because the experience of playing it will make you stab yourself in the eye with a ptichfork. The whole thing too, not just the pointy end. A much better use of your time would be to go watch Undercover Brother. That's how bad this game specifically is. Undercover Brother is much better than this soulless excuse for a computer game. Hell, even STAR WARS EPPISDOE NUE, ATTACK FO THE CRONES is a better thing to do than try and stomach this movie.

      I would like you all to die now. Die for making me play this horrible, unfounded game of destruction. I will kill you all slowly in your sleep and then make love to the dead corpses, until I am the Princess Maker king of the world. What is your problem with that, hmm? Yeah? What! Do something! I'm going to bed now.

      Drew Davis isn't sleeping. I think he's actually dreaming this article up. He has no E-mail: Who the hell is he talking to?