How to Pump Your Own Gas:
A Public Service Guide for the Citizens of New Jersy
Hey everyone, D. Davis here again with another block rocking beat. Of course by another block rocking beat I mean no less than an entire page or two filled with words about things that are stuck in my craw. This edition of EXTREME BOOTHBABE COSPLAY goes deep into the issue that is plaguing the citizens of New Jersey, even to the is very day; pumping gas. In an effort to raise my humanintarian status, and also to work off some of the community service hours that the judge laid on me for hiding in Hilary Duff's walk-in dresser and wearing her panties on my head like a World War II helmet, I've decieded to write a guide to gas pumps for every Jerseian who doesn't yet know how to the hell they actually work. I understand that your state has no Self-Service pumps, but eventually you may have to leave the Garden State, and you might fid yourself confronted by a gas station where you have to do it all by yourself, so read on and be brave for this guide without a doubt will teach you how to PUMP YOUR GAS!
Addressing the Gas Pump
Addressing the gas pump is probably the hardest part of the Jerseian's herculean jourey, as very many gas pumps these days like to play coy and be somewhat coquettish in their demeanor. In order to get the most out of your endeavor, you have to be firm and gun it up to her boxy frame. From there, carefully examine her number, if it can divide thirteen evenly then you've found the Holy Grail of gas pumps, and furthermore that pump's gas tastes exacly like delicious candy, so drink it as quickly as you can. If the number is not a magical number, simply back up your vehicle, drive it forward, then back it up again searching for the pump that is somewhow full-service instead of self-service. It may take you 30 minutes to do this, but do not give up until the gas station attendant leaves his cubbyhole to ask what you're doing. Simply reply that you were waiting for him to get off his ass and do his job, from there you will be ready to pump your own gas.
Operating the Nozzle
Modern day gas pumps aren't like the witchcraft of old, and require a good deal of mechanical know-how to operate. They incorporate advanced concepts such as levers and triggers into their design, so you may have to bring a college educated friend along to help you delineate and digest any instructions found on the side of the machine. This isn't to say that you should follow the safety rules listed, of course, those are put there for filthy Canadians. This is America, if you want to smoke while you pump your gas and shoot the bird, you just go right ahead. Now, as a service to those who don't have a college eduacated friend, here are the step by step instructions for operating the pump that you've chosen.
*Step 1: Pull the pump gingerly from it's hiding place. It's a nocturnal creature by nature, so attempting this before dusk could cause it to struggle and attempt to bite you. Be very careful!
*Step 2: Flip the handle that the pump presses down up and down very rapidly, this will signal to the attendant inside that you want gas, and you want it now. He should get off his lazy ass quite quickly to serve you, after all, you're from NEW JERSEY.
*Step 3: Insert nozzle end of pump into a hole on your car. Traditionally, this should be your gas tank fill hole, but thanks to the wonders of technology, even inserting it into the tailpipe should fill your car to the brim with delicious caramel-colored gasoline. Not to be a devil's advocate, but even placing the nozzle in your mouth will have you completely ready to gas up that beast of a car, just use caution, as the highest reports of Gas Pump bites come from this method of tankfillery.
*Step 4: Pull the trigger and watch your tank FILL to the brim from the lightest touch. If you are using the traditional gas tink fill hole, you should not stop pumping until there is a pool of gasoline behind your left rear tire. This doesn't only apply to people who have their gas-tanks on the left side, those tanks are just easier to fill. Right side tanks need much more gas to be considered full, and should not be neglected, or it may cause engine troubles down the road. Pun Intended. ZING!
*Step 5: Enter your car and drive off.
*Step 6: Aren't we forgetting something?
*Step 7: Oh no, you forgot to put your gascap back on, and now demons are stealing your delicious gas!
*Step 8: Plus you forgot to pay!
*Step 9: And you're dragging the pump along behind you, because you left it in the fill hole. This is harder than it looks.
Now if you've followed all my steps to the letter, your tank should be full, every last step was reserached and performed by a team of Technologists and Wizards to get the utmost they could out of it. It doesn't matter if you think it seems strange and alien, it's the proven method to pump gas, and if you claim any different you're a filthy Communist, and if you don't like America, you can just GIT OUT!
Thank you for enjoying this guide, and remember just because gas pumps looks scary, doesn't mean you shouldn't hump them. Thank you.
Seems to me like D. Davis has been huffing gas, I wouldn't trust this guide for thirty six dollars and sixty six cents, exactly the amount of money I forgot to pay for, for my gas after I dove off with the pump still attached to my car. Where is your technology now, D.Davis? You disgust me. P.S. e-mail D.Davis at email@example.com PEACE... I'm out.