Sevenhertz.net - EBBC: Use Siren! Use Siren!

Use Siren! Use Siren!

      I hate the local arcade. I hate it with a fiery passion that burns deep within the embers of my tiny emblackened heart full of hatred for things that are arcades. Why all the hate for this particular brand of arcade that resides within the 'oh-so-close' Mall? Simply put, they took the drum mania machine out of it.

      DrumMania is an outlet for those of us who like extremely retarded musical type games but not the stupidity of FLAIL WILDLY TO GET SUPER SCORE DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION YOU GO NOW TO THE DANCING WITH THE WIN POWER STOMP PAD WITH FOOT SWEATY FAT MAN STOMP PAD WITH FOOT!!!! HIGH SCORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE! YOU A WINNER HA HA HA!

      And that is why I was quite unpleased to see that the DrumMania machine was gone, but the super fantastical DDR machine was still firmly planted in its perch just in front of the doors. This meant finding a new arcade game to play while idling out the miserable hour and a half wait for the next bus to show up and take me home to the apartment of good fortune. I spotted one.

      It was a racing game in the corner of the galleria of play, or a driving game at least entitled 'TOKYO POLICE FORCE!' From the attract mode before showing game play it looked like some sort of wacky arcadey version of Driver - You are the Wheelman. So I plunked in my four tokens and honked the horn to select my character, and then realized that the instructions on the arcade machine were extremely vague;

      As a member of the Tokyo Police force it is your job to PURSUE AND ARREST DANGEROUS CRIMINALS Use the steering wheel in conjunction with the brake pedal to HANDLE THE CAR Use the VIEW BUTTON to change your view, use the SIREN BUTTON to MAKE TRAFFIC GIVE WAY and use the NUMERICAL KEYPAD to SAVE YOUR DATA and ENTER YOUR INITIALS.

      So, right pursue and arrest dangerous criminals? What? How….is there a button? What's going on? And what constitutes a dangerous criminal after all? I mean do I see them commit a crime or start speeding and go 'Oh shit! DANGEROUS CRIMINAL AT THREE O'CLOCK!!!' or do I get like a vocal readout or an all points bulletin? Well, the game answered this question quickly and soon I was pursuing a very dangerous RED ARROW above a really shitty looking red car that was somehow outperforming my police issue SUV.

      Then came the whole aspect of AND ARREST because the game never specifically told you how to. I banged into the back of his car at first, nothing happened except for cosmetic damage to his rear fender and my front fender. This caused me to hit him in the side, again nothing happened except him taking off down side streets. I spun in front of him thinking maybe he'd see my car and give up, but nothing doing. It was at this point that the ghost of a Japanese game developer appeared on my shoulder.

      Developer: USE SIREN! USE SIREN!!!!
      Me: I am nothing's happening!!!
      Developer: USE HORN USE HORN!!!!
      Me: That's more of an annoying sound than the siren!
      Developer: USE BRAKE USE BRAKE!!!!!
      Me: Now my car's stopped!!!
      Developer: Haha stupid American I tricked you into stopping.
      Me: What?
      Developer: QUICK TIME RUNNING OUT!
      Me: HUH? There's a timer!?!?!
      Developer: Haha Game Over insert more quarters to play.

      And that was the end of my experience with Tokyo Police Force. As a final note, I decided to sit in the driver's seat to watch the entirety of attract mode to see if they could help me solve the mystery of 'how do I catch crook?' In a hilarious turn of events the police cruiser sped after the evil red-arrowed car before spinning out and driving head first into a wall three or four times in the play demo. What can I say? In Japan criminals hate it when you run into buildings!

      Shortly after this article, D.Davis was accepted into the Police Academy of Ginza Tokyo. After weeks of training he was able to stop a criminal dead in his tracks with only the mere threat of running himself into a wall. If you'd like to hear more about his fascinating technique feel free to E-mail him at (ADDRESS WITHHELD DUE TO THE GOVERNMENT) Cheers!