Weather Woman
A Descent into Japanese Film Psychology
"What the Fuck Did I Just Watch?"

      It's been quite some time since I threw on the Chun-Li outfit and started throwing kicks with my glamorous verbal legs out at the world, but recently I came upon something I just couldn't understand in such a way that it gave me the headache of a lifetime. No, I'm not saying Lifetime where every original movie is some woman who was raped after her daughter was kidnapped so she goes on a quest for revenge where she finds out that the rapist and kidnapper are the same guy AND her husband at the same time, but a movie so nonsensically weird and terrible that you just have to sit back and ask: God damn, what the hell is on the television screen.

      "What is this mystical film?" you may ask. You may also be homosexual, I do not know your personal lifestyle, but shut up and I'll tell you. It is none other than Asia Pulp Cinema's Weather Woman, also known as A Weatherwoman and Otenki-oneesan which I'm sure means weatherwoman. "So wait, a film about a weather woman? What the hell D.Davis?" I can hear you asking, and also I can hear you eating. Close your mouth when you chew, fucker, and I'll continue to explain just 'what the hell' alright? Good. Lifted from the back of the box, here is the plot synopsis:

      Keiko Nadachi is a substitute weather-girl for Michiko Kawai on J-TV. As a way of signing off, she hikes up her skirt and flashes her underwear at the audience. This move makes her an instant cult TV figure and a celebrity. Then Kaori comes back to work and an all-out war erupts between the two of them, with an old high school flame of Keiko's trapped in the middle.

      "Alright, so she flashes her panties. Sounds like a good deal, a Japanese girl flashing her panties off, but surely that's not really messed up really. Are you just some sort of moron, D.Davis?" WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY WHILE I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN THE GOD-DAMNED THING YOU MOUTHBREATHING RETARD? Excellent. The plot synopsis does little to prepare you for just how fucked up the movie itsefl is.  It opens on a sunny day, on some japanese rooftop, where various moans coos and gasps can be heard, and suddenly we're faced with the lead masturbating on top of a radio tower or something in a highschool uniform. Her panties are on, nothing good can be seen, but she's going at it like she was a forty-niner and there were gold in them thar pubes. Cut quickly to the same rooftop where some jerk is all, "Hey Keiko, I totally love you, please be my girlfriend" and she's all "You're a loser. I'll never be your girlfriend." To which he replies, "I'd do anything for you." And she's like "Jump off the building" And he doesn't, but she does. GRIPPING CINEMA. Of course you see her panties when she jumps, it wouldn't be this movie if you didn't see her panties. PANTIES ARE 40% of this film's composition. If you like panties, this movie is RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.  But it gets better. And by better I mean...worse.

      She's already masturbating again, and the viewer is given no indication at all how much time has passed since she jumped off a roof and survived. It could be a day, it could be 360 years. It could even be five minutes. No one tells you. "So this girl masturbates a lot, is that what you're trying to get at?" NO GODDAMMIT, I'VE ONLY EXPLAINED THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES! GOD I HATE YOU! After her routine, she I guess is on the weather report, because someone called off (none of this is ever indicated at this point, it is only much later that this becomes apparent.) She gives a cheerful weather report, and shows off her pink panties. More panties for the viewer. Panties are our life. The loser from before is watching TV and is like, "I hate cooking hamburgers, I am such a loser OH I WOULD REMEMBER THOSE PANTIES ANYWHERE I MUST FIND HER BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

      So there continues subplot number one, loser loves panty-girl, and must find her because of his deep love. Now come the network. They hate Panty-lady, and are like 'You can't just do whatever you want on the air! You should never work again' but the old man who runs the network is like 'You are our new weathergirl. I love panties. PANTIES.' and the network guys are consternated, saying things like 'But she masturbates all the time. What the fag?' But nonetheless she becomes the permanent weathergirl. Begin Subplot number two.

      Another scene cut to an extremely cute Japanese woman, and some guy in a towel watching TV, they watch the new weather-report with panty-chick and cute Japanese chick is like "Goddammit that was my job, she's making a mockery of the product" And japanese guy in a towel is like, "Don't worry, we can get you your job back or a better job. I can do anything for you!" to which she replies, "Like divorce your wife?" And he's like "Have some noodles." Then they dry hump in school girl outfits. Both of them. Seriously.

      Cutting through all the rest of this, I'll just summarize it: Network head's daughter comes back from paris, has cute japanese chick become weatherwoman's maid, where she totally licks bath soap off the weatherwoman's nipples and sexy sexy vaginal area, video of it is released, Paris girl becomes weatherwoman and implements lots of musical numbers and eventually makes the entire weather segment of the news its whole show. Loser dude helps panty-girl train in the arts of being a weatherwoman by hitting her a lot with a whip, and both of the weatherwomen have an epic battle with swords and whips while predicting the weather. More nudidty happens. There's a bunch of french bread loaves, and the old network guy is really dissapointed by the fact that he can't see panties anymore. At the end, Loser and panty-girl both jump off the building, the credits roll and the viewer is left thinking. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH, SERIOUSLY!?!?!?

      In any case, I return to my original viewpoint that I really...really hate Japan.

      Your local weather forecast for today: 80% D.Davis with a slight chance of panties. A cold front in the north has my nipples hard enough to cut glass, and I desire a frosty milkshake to wash down this big bacon classic with. If you'd like to know more about your weather, check out the books at your local library or touch yourself, you do it anyways and you're going to burn in hell!